You Need to Calm Down
The Eras Tour is crashing into the Mile High City this weekend and Taylor Swift mania has taken over.
Way back in the fall of 2022, I was foolish enough to neither sign up for verified fan presales nor attempt to secure tickets in any other way. I had recently spent about a billion dollars on tickets to see Harry Styles in Austin and figured that would satisfy my inner teenage girl enough. I also like being married to my husband who I knew would appreciate I not spend another mortgage payment on concert tickets.
Spoiler alert: now that we’re here, I am regretting all of my life choices.
It has also been a week with my girls. We’re in that middle of summer haze where we’re kind of in a routine but the only real routine is that there is no routine. You know? June was weirdly rainy and now it’s 932 degrees outside. I think they are both going through growth spurts and developmental changes. There’s been random illness and grumpiness and less sleep. I wouldn’t go as far as to say it’s been a Cruel Summer, but if I said “I’m Fine” it wouldn’t be true.
When Sutton was a baby in the summer of 2019, Taylor Swift’s album Lover came out. While everyone was discussing the obvious and very necessary dressing down of homophobes in “You Need to Calm Down”, I was thinking that the lyrics in that song were also very appropriate for a newborn. Take for example:
“And I’m just like Damn, it’s 7 am.”
“ And I’m just like hey, are you ok?”
“You need to calm down. You’re being too loud.”
“Can you just not step on (spit on) my gown (nursing tank top)?”
Now with a four year old who literally begins negotiations with me before sunrise and a two year old whose new favorite saying is “Don’t correct me,” I’ve been thinking about how many T. Swift jams could just as easily be about toddlers as heartbreak, friendship and straight-up-drama.
I’ve also done quite a bit of rage/cry showering this week. I have contemplated these lyrics while having shower wine, feeling very sorry for myself that I’m not likely going to see Taylor this weekend, and singing very poorly and off-key. But it made me laugh so I thought it might make you laugh, too.
So here it is, my ode to toddler parenting, as told through the immortal words of Taylor Swift, our goddess.
Dear John (Ok fine, my daughters are not named John),
Don’t Blame Me, love made me crazy. I Wish You Would stop pushing my buttons but I just try to Shake It Off.
First things first, You Belong With Me. I know you’d rather take my hand and drag me head first, Fearless, (down the slide) but You’re On Your Own, Kid. I Knew You Were Trouble and now I’m lying on the cold, hard ground.
Sometimes, I wonder why you gotta be so Mean to your poor, old mom. Sometimes, I yell and I think You’re Not Sorry! Look What You Made Me Do! I Did Something Bad! This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things, darling. (Because you break them, I had to take them away).
And I’m like, “I just, I mean, this is exhausting, you know?” But also, someday you’re going to be Fifteen. Then, 22. I wish you would Never Grow Up. Because It’s Nice to Have a Friend and even on our worst days, I know I had The Best Day with you, today.
Forever and Always.
