Notes on COVID-19 From A Highly Anxious Mom

The times are strange right now. Toilet paper hoarding. Social distancing. Restaurants, gyms, movie theaters, museums, libraries, rec. centers all closed for the foreseeable future. Everyone working from home. Or out of work completely.

This is a trying time for everyone. But if you’re a person living with anxiety, this may be extra difficult for you. I know it is for me.

I have lived with generalized anxiety disorder for more than a decade. Usually it’s manageable. Except when it’s not.

My anxiety spiked after Sutton was born. I would nurse my tiny newborn while my mind was racing with thoughts of horrible things that could happen to her. We would go for a walk and I would panic thinking everyone we passed was going to kidnap or kill her. My pediatrician told me it was just becoming a mom. My OB told me it was beyond their scope as an OBGYN practice and to see a psychiatrist. Luckily, I worked with my primary care physician and therapist to change my medication and work through it. How postpartum anxiety was so completely brushed aside is beyond me, but that’s a story for another day.

When the news began reporting on Coronavirus in China, I was not concerned. I empathized with people who were sick or losing loved ones but I did not think it was something I needed to personally worry about.

When it was first reported in the U.S., I still was not concerned. I did not think it would surge through the country and I hoped we were prepared, having ample time between the first cases in China and the first cases in the U.S. I thought the panic was unnecessary and continued on with daily life.

When it was first reported in Colorado, I was concerned, but only barely. It started to get more irritating to go to the grocery store and live normally. I started seeing people act terribly and arguing over Clorox wipes. That was when the anxiety over COVID-19 really began for me.

I still was not worried about contracting the virus but I was getting very worried about not being able to get basic supplies to care for my baby daughter, let alone myself and my husband. I had a woman physically block me from the cleaning supplies at the grocery store. She said she was “still deciding” what she needed and then told me if I had a baby, I could just use baby wipes.

(For the record, baby wipes are definitely not antibacterial.)

I realized that I would have to give into the panic buying in order to have any supplies for normal life. I went to multiple stores to find cleaning supplies and toilet paper (it didn’t help that I’d been avoiding my usual Costco run and was actually down to four rolls of toilet paper…). I felt compelled to buy the last bottle of Dayquil and the last bottle of infant tylenol I saw, effectively taking these from people who are actively sick in order to have something just in case.

We’ve ordered our groceries online exclusively for years. All of a sudden, there were no delivery windows. We’ve had to go to multiple grocery stores, including two trips my husband has made before 7 a.m. We’ve placed multiple drive-up orders at Target. And the all important pick-up order at the liquor store.

Baby wipes are wiped out. Formula has increased in price from $28 to $43 in the last week but is still flying off the shelves. I began weaning Sutton a few weeks ago and suddenly, I’m panicked about maintaining my breastmilk supply in case we can not find any formula, even though she’s just five weeks shy of her first birthday.

This is not healthy. Living in a state of high anxiety is bad for our physical, mental, and emotional well-being.

And as a very anxious stay-at-home mom, this is very bad for me. I haven’t been sleeping well and I’ve probably been drinking too much wine. I thrive on routine. Perhaps selfishly, I fought against social distancing as long as I could. We go to story time at the library on Thursdays. We run errands on Tuesdays. We go swimming on Saturdays. We go to the museum or the zoo on Fridays. Having those options all taken away is scary, even though I completely understand the need for social distancing and protecting those most vulnerable. 

But, for stay-at-home moms, we practice too much social distancing as it is. There are long days of not talking to any other adults and long nights missing our friends that we spent more time with before babies came along.

So what do we do?

First, we take a deep breath. And then another one. Maybe even a third.

Then, we look for the positives. Yes, we’ve spent way more money than budgeted on groceries this past week, but we are able to. We have income and savings for these exact emergency situations. I’m worried about entertaining Sutton but I’m lucky that we have toys, books, and imaginations to lean on. I’m grateful for the nice weather we’ve had for the past few days and the ability to go for long walks and swing in the backyard. I miss my family and friends, but I’m grateful for even more quality time with my little family, especially as Sutton approaches her first birthday and is growing and changing by the minute.

I’m grateful to live in a time where technology can connect us for good. Too much technology can be a bad thing and I’ve certainly had to limit my news intake for my own stress level, but it’s also allowing us to stay in touch. We can FaceTime our parents and friends. Libraries are offering story time on Facebook live, museums are providing digital tours, the zoo is showing off their animals behind the scenes. Headspace is providing free stress and anxiety workouts and meditations. Musicians are hosting free, live concerts. You can even ride your favorite Disney ride from your couch!

We’re finding new ways to connect and support each other, while keeping each other safe. I’ve seen this bring out some nastiness, but I’ve seen it bring out more good than bad. Our neighbors offered to share their groceries, people are more friendly at the park (even though they’re physically further away), and the offers of people trying to help people who need it most make me believe we’re going to get through this. Together.

Join a live event. FaceTime your mom. If you can find butter, stress bake cookies for the neighbors. Try to enjoy the pause, knowing it’s for the greater good. Take a deep breath. Don’t forget to exhale. We’re going to be ok.

Oh, and wash your hands (with soap if you can find any.)