Happy Birthday, Baby

Dear Sutton,

Happy first birthday, baby.

I woke up at 4:53 a.m. this morning to wish you a happy birthday exactly one year from when you came to us last year. I stood over your crib in the peaceful early morning and watched you sleep for a few minutes. My heart swelled, and also broke a tiny bit. I decided to write you this letter.

What they say is true. The days can be long but the years are short. It truly feels like just yesterday that I held you in my arms for the first time; when we took you home from the hospital; when you smiled and laughed for the first times. When you started to roll over, sit up, and crawl. When you said mama and dada.

I couldn’t have imagined a more perfect soul to be my daughter. You are human sunshine. You are so happy, bubbly and silly. You love to smile and wave at strangers, dogs, leaves… if it’s moving, you have to say hi. You make me so much friendlier and more open to others. You make me slow down to smile as we pass people on the street.

You’ve grown so much and I can feel you reaching for more independence and it’s bittersweet. Your first steps are so close. You’ll be running by summer. It’s amazing to watch you figure new things out and explore the world, but it’s also tough on my heartstrings. Even now, you don’t need me quite as much as you used to. You’re self weaning and just too busy to spend much time snuggling. I don’t blame you; it’s an incredible world to discover. And, I know you’ll always need me, even just a little.

You’re so beautiful and strong. You looked so much like your daddy when you were born and now you look more like me. You’ve got wild hair and a wicked grin. Your eyelashes are the envy of grown women everywhere. You are absolutely taken with yourself, and I don’t blame you. I hope you always keep your confidence and smile when you see yourself in the mirror. I’m working so hard to change how I see and speak to myself so you will never doubt your beauty and strength.

You’ve changed my relationship with your daddy. We’re stronger than ever and so united in our love of you. You gave us a new purpose and reason to work hard and be kind. Your daddy is so smitten with you and you know you have him wrapped around your finger. He is such a good daddy and he loves you so much.

You also changed my relationship with my mommy and daddy. Watching them become grandparents has been a gift. After some very difficult years, you’ve brought joy back to all of us. Your smile has heart healing powers.

You’ve had a big year. You’ve been on four flights and to three other states. You’ve seen both the Pacific and Atlantic oceans. You’ve celebrated your first of every holiday. You’ve explored zoos, museums, gardens, libraries, and Targets. You were even on the news on Halloween to cap off 31 days of costumes. You were very tolerant of that experiment, by the way.

You love Walter the warthog, Grover and Quincy, splashing in the tub, the very hungry caterpillar, playing with toilet paper, crawling as fast as you can while playing where’s mommy, bubbles, fish, swinging, story time, avocados, pasta and cheese (same, girl). When something is really funny, like animal noises or bath toys, you chortle giggle and squeal.

There’s not much you don’t like yet but you’re starting to form and express your opinions. You get upset when we try to prevent you from impending doom, like removing the cat when he’s ready to attack, and you hate when bath time ends. You’ve started pointing at what you want and so far we’ve been powerless to deny you. You will keep us on our toes as you enter toddlerhood. I’m a little scared but I also wouldn’t want it any other way.

The last month of your life has been strange. You’ve spent the end of babyhood under a stay at home order due to COVID-19. All your favorite haunts are closed and we haven’t been able to see your grandparents, family or friends. We had to postpone your very first birthday party and a trip to California and the Monterey aquarium. We worry about how this is effecting you. We mourn moments missed. But you are resilient and so happy just to be with mommy and daddy. You’re the best quarantine buddy anyone could ask for. And you will still have your very hungry caterpillar party, I promise.

So, happy first birthday you beautiful, crazy, joyful baby girl. Thank you for not just making me a mom, but making me your mom. It is an awesome privilege. I love you more than you can imagine and can’t wait to see what this year holds.

Love,

Mommy