There Must Be 50 Ways To Kill Your Baby: A Tale of Baby-Proofing

Ah, babies. You plop them on the floor on something soft with a few toys and go about putting away laundry, dusting, making dinner, showering… And then you turn around and they’re on their tummies. And they did that on their own. And then they do it again.

Next thing you know, you have a fully rolling baby, which makes it more difficult to plop and get on with your life. More difficult, but still doable; you just don’t leave the room. But then you turn around after putting away more laundry and the baby is on their hands and knees, rocking back and forth excitedly. Your baby is trying to crawl.

And then, your baby starts crawling. If they’re anything like my baby, they figure it out fast. Then they figure out how to go fast, fast. You turn around after putting away more laundry (you’re literally always putting away more laundry) and your baby is crab-walking away from you as fast as they can towards the top of the stairs.

Shit, Congrats, your baby is mobile.

Sutton decided to start crawling with a purpose right before the holidays, which was extremely convenient. We were watching a rerun of Modern Family where Gloria hires a baby-proofer and I have jokingly said “Is that a real thing? Can we hire one?” Lo and behold, professional baby-proofing is very much a real thing. 

We decided to interview two local companies.

First up was a man I’ll call Sam. To say Sam was intense is an understatement. Sam is ex law enforcement and it was very clear that He. Has. Seen. Some. Things. He began the conversation by handing me a DNA kit and saying that it’s very helpful when parents have their babies’ hair on hand in case of kidnapping or to identify remains… So that was a nice image!

While Sam walked through our house, I heard the old Paul Simon song “Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover” playing in my head, except replace “leave your lover” with “kill your baby.” Sam was like the worst possible combination of Dwight Schrute/Captain Safety/ Liam Neeson from Taken. He was really good for my postpartum anxiety. I honestly could not get him out of our home fast enough.

The second option was a much more reasonable, approachable woman. I also appreciated her reminder that it’s all temporary remodeling.

Of course for Sutton’s safety, I’m willing to sacrifice good design and open stairwells, but it hasn’t been the easiest thing for me to look at my beautiful mid-century fireplace currently enshrouded in foam play tiles. Reminding myself it’s all temporary helps me.

We hired her to baby proof the house, which basically entailed a lot of stairwell gates, cabinet and door locks, and safe outlet covers.

She came two days before Thanksgiving. We hosted Thanksgiving. I would not recommend locking all your kitchen cabinets two days before Thanksgiving. There were many curses.

However, the day after the house was Sutton-proofed, Sutton crawled right to the top of a very steep wooden staircase and immediately pulled the night light out of the outlet and tried to stick her fingers in it. So, I think we got it done just in time. She has returned to this staircase/outlet many, many times since. I call it “Sutton’s corner of self-destruction.”

Ironically, a few days after baby-proofing, I inadvertently locked the cat in the room with Sutton during a nap. I didn’t even think to make sure Grover wasn’t napping elsewhere. I heard him meowing and scratching at a door about an hour into her nap and went upstairs thinking I’d closed him in the guest room. My heart skipped a beat when I saw the guest room door was open and realized the only closed door was to our room where Sutton was sleeping, apparently with the cat.

Luckily, she was safely sleeping in her crib and Grover decided to skip the infanticide in favor of treaties. The irony and humor sunk in pretty quickly; I’d just paid a considerable amount of money to make our home safe for Sutton and then almost killed her anyway by locking her and a very large cat in the same room for a nap. Good job, mom.

Lesson learned, no matter how much you spend on baby-proofing, don’t forget to baby-proof yourselves as parents. Check for the cat. Check again. Close the gates so the cat doesn’t go upstairs in the first place.

Could we have baby-proofed our house ourselves? Absolutely. But when it came down to it, spending the money was just worth more than spending the time. It took awhile to get used to our temporary remodel but knowing Sutton is safe has helped ease the eye sores.

I’m still working on not cursing at the locked cabinets, though…